By Troy Benjamin
In celebration of COMET’s “Monster Summer,” we’re putting on our best mad scientist hats. Imagine, if you will, a world where the DNA of each larger-than-life classic monster could be extracted, then merged into one being. The goal: to create the “perfect Kaiju.” That’s right, let’s engineer a monster that could possess all the greatest abilities and strengths of Godzilla’s most fearsome opponents all in one horrifying package.
And, while the result of mashing all of these monsters into one may yield a disordered abomination (however, if there’s an artist out there who would care to render our perfect kaiju, we certainly wouldn’t complain), it would create a formidable adversary for one epic match-up against the one and only Godzilla.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Incredible flight speeds
Nothing helps get the upper-hand in battle than reaching higher ground. Or better yet, fleeing for a better tactical advantage when things get heated. That’s why we’ve chosen the massive wingspan of Rodan over the tiny flappy wings of Mothra for our perfect kaiju.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Underwater swimming, anaconda-like crushing strength
Many kaiju are slow-moving and would sink to the bottom of the ocean before you can say, “It seems like a missed opportunity that Raymond Burr played a character named Steve Martin in King of the Monsters, but Steve Martin didn’t appear in the 1998 film.” What better way for our kaiju to thrive than to lead Godzilla into the sea and give him a hug of death.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Razer-sharp blades, eye lasers
Paraphrasing: never bring a knife to a Gigan fight. Having buzz saw-like blades that can fire from one’s body is a powerful offense. Combined with deadly laser beams that emerge from our perfect kaiju’s eyes, that’s a one/two punch perfect for combat.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: A dusting of poisonous wings, silk spray
Okay, so we didn’t take Mothra’s beautiful butterfly wings. But if we could implant her poisonous dust that shakes off of them with Rodan’s muscular pterodactyl-like wings, then we’re cooking with gas. While we’re extracting Mothra’s poison dust, we might as well take her ability to shoot strands of silk. It seems to work well for Spider-Man.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Poison stinger
If our perfect kaiju can fire blades from its arms and shoot lasers out of its eyes, having a poisonous stinger shoot out of its mouth like the giant spider Kumonga is a pretty good backup. Imagine getting a Mothra dusting of poison followed by the horrifying sight of a poisonous stinger emerging from your foe’s mouth. Goodnight, Tokyo.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Invulnerability to atomic breath, acid blood
If we’re creating our “perfect organism,” it’s only right that it has acidic blood like the Xenomorph from Alien. Better yet, acidic blood can double as an offensive trait. Hedorah can fire it at an opponent at will. But really what we need from Hedorah is his complete invulnerability to Godzilla’s famous atomic breath. If a being can withstand that attack, it can survive anything.
MONSTER: King Ghidorah
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Gravity beams
Let’s be honest, King Ghidorah almost renders this entire exercise futile as he’s pretty much an amalgamation of all the most powerful (and coolest) monsters. But for the purposes of this experiment, let’s take his gravity beams as a defensive trait to implement into our perfect kaiju. If one beam can move or repel a foe as large as Godzilla, it’s a good trick to have in the bag.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Defensive spike coverings
Should all of the offensive tactics fail, and should our perfect kaiju be unable to outrun or repel its opponent away, the next line of defense would be Anguirus’ needlepoint spikes covering its entire body.
TRAIT FOR OUR KAIJU: Chameleon-like camouflage
As a last-line of defense, being able to blend into its surroundings could get our perfect kaiju out of a jam. Or better yet, allow it to get the element of surprise on its opponent. Better still, during a battle royale of some of the greatest monsters in film history, our perfect kaiju could be a fly on the wall and let only the fittest survive before deciding to attack.
What do you think? If you were creating the perfect kaiju for battle, what traits would you steal from the rogue’s gallery of Godzilla creatures and why? Sound off in the comments! And be sure to catch all of these characters and more all Summer-long during “Monster Summer” only on COMET!